Woe is me, and my first world problems

I'm starting to think about escaping recently again. My job is cool and it's certainly one of the most rewarding jobs I've had because I get to help people achieve their goals in studying Japanese. I was thinking what exactly was so bothersome about this job and other jobs. Why can't I be satisfied with my job? And I think it has to do with feeling trapped.

I probably need a way of earning money without the feeling like I'm working for it. Something that will let me express myself but also give me a sense of freedom. During times of stress I always fantasize about being on the road and traveling to different places. Seeing different lands and meeting people. Meanwhile I can be creative and create things with my computer like t-shirt designs, write the story that I started on long time ago. And make my website about my experiences with depression.

Those are the things that I always have on my mind. But I can never finish or get myself to continue them. These are all things that I've started on but have never seen to the finishing line. Is it possible that I am still afraid of failure?

I thought it was something that I had conquered a while back...maybe I really need to think about it some more. Or maybe I just don't know what I want to do.

I still feel lost when I am at work. And I often feel like I don't want to be where I am when I'm working. I feel like it's such a waste of life. Hating any moment of it just seems so tragic to me.

Well anyways I have to be patient and save up some money again if I'm gonna even attempt to travel around or stop working to pursue my art thing. And with the salary I have now...it would probably take me until the end of the year to save up a good amount. Plus with the whole taxes thing. I now owe way more. And now I feel even more stuck where I am.

Think positive! I might be nearing that time of the month...could be the reason for my crankiness..

Peace out

Breaking Up

Just a quick warning out there, this blog might sound depressing. As you can see from the title. What can I say, other than I feel sad and angry at the same time. I'm sad that I had to end it and angry that he changed so much from the first time we met. Certainly this is one of the better relationships I've had. But I seem to be stuck in this loop of falling for these two faced men. These men that act so warm and gentle in the beginning and then become total jerks towards the end. 

And I hate that I am attracted to these kinds of guys....even so...this last guy that I just broke up with.... I just don't get what the reason was for the drastic change. It's not like I suddenly fell in love with him the first time I laid eyes on him. This time it was a natural healthy progression towards those feelings of attraction. It took like 5 to 6 months to actually start having feelings for him. So why after about a month of getting dating each other did he have to change so much? 

He says he's in the middle of self-discovery type journey. Where he's philosophizing about our existence and finding out where humans have come from and where they are going. I'm all for that of course....I even think that it's something that we should all stop and do once in a while. But is that why he has really become so withdrawn? So cold? So selfish? 

Here are combination of theories below: 

He's depressed and he still doesn't know what he wants in life. He has no direction. 

He's immature, he's still 24 so I guess when he finally get's to my age he will stop being such a jerk. 

He got too comfortable with me and thought that he could act any way and say　what he wanted. 

He has never gotten or asked for advice on how to treat women. 

Once he got what he wanted he didn't need to work to keep me anymore. 

Maybe he treats his mom the same way. 

He wasn't able to figure out if he really wanted to stay with me or not. 

He's kind of socially awkward. Unless he's drinking beer and he's which close friends. 

Again I don't know the clear answer, he doesn't seem to know either. I probably never will know. This time around I guess I'm handling things better. It's hard though because I run into him when I eat in the common area....if it becomes a problem I guess I'll just eat in my room for a while....

Realizations

I've been listening to a lot of rap lately which I'm basing off this top 100 list. Shit...first I need to really point out how much I've been missing. Before I thought I had a good idea of what rap was and what was old school. Which ones were classics and such. Fuck how wrong was I? So far I've only skimmed the surface. And now that I've been delving deep into this, I'm finding so many beautiful songs. The beats are so great and so deep I had no idea.

This just all the more stresses how half assed I've been my whole life. But I'm gonna try not to play the ole regret record this time. I'm gonna go in and open the treasure box and enjoy it. I'm slowly waking up these past two years. Ever since I've found a way to work through my issues. It's just been one realization after another. Realization a lot of time comes with regret though and bitterness. That's one thing that I've been trying to work on recently. Trying not to be angry at the past. Forgiving and letting go.

I'm gonna try to do things thoroughly now. If I'm interested in something I'm gonna research it and learn about it. Gonna enjoy the process. I'll start with rap. Cuz I've always loved it but never bothered to really find out more about it and know it's background. I guess it's a good way to show that you respect something. By knowing about it....as simple and obvious as that sounds...

I listened to Souls of Mischief which I thought was really great. I especially liked from 93 til infinity. I love the beat. I'm not much for lyrics, cuz I can't really catch what rappers are saying a lot of the time. But I really loved the jazzy beat, it sounds fresh and relaxing, I guess the best word would be chill. It was a really chill beat. (^-^)